“He hurt me,” I half-whispered to the back of her robe, aiming my confession towards her shoulder blades.  

It’s been more than a decade since that moment in their kitchen, but I can still remember how quickly my mother spun around, and the mixture of anger and sadness on her face when I finally managed to meet her eyes. We both cried as the horrific details suddenly came tumbling out of my mouth. 

I explained how the abuse had happened gradually. It didn’t begin with a slap, but with a word: “Whore,” he called me.

Things continued to escalate over the next few months until that morning — when I had to beg him to let me leave the house with my cats in a laundry basket, my neck still aching from being strangled the night before. After I finally told them the truth, my parents responded swiftly and lovingly, helping me to come up with a plan for getting away. Then, a few months later, when I admitted that I had taken him back, they helped me get away again. This time for good. 

It’s been close to 13 years since the last time I saw my abuser. I’ve found unbelievable happiness since those dark days. I’ve been with the love of my life for the past nine years, and we share two beautiful daughters together. One of our favorite pastimes is imagining who our kids will be when they grow up; most days, our oldest tells us how she wants to be a police officer, while our youngest can’t quite articulate her dreams yet, so we project our own dreams onto her. But sometimes, the memories of my own past overshadow the lives I hope my daughters will lead, and I worry about the types of relationships they may one day find. 

Those memories seep unwanted into my current life, and they influence the way I parent my daughters. If I had never known the cruelty and pain that I knew with my ex, I may have had a more carefree approach to parenting. Instead, I try and use those experiences to prepare my girls for a variety of things.  

Consent is a major focus in our house. We always remind our kids to ask before they give someone a hug, and we reinforce the idea that people may change their mind mid-embrace. We talk about the flip side of that as well, making sure the kids understand that they also have the power to say “no” to being touched — and that nobody should ever make them feel bad, ashamed, or scared about saying no.

But that’s a relatively easy thing to teach; it’s pretty straightforward, and something we can already work on. The nuances of abuse, however, will be harder to explain to my daughters. We’ll have to teach them that abuse doesn’t look the same for everyone, and that there are many different forms it can take. We’ll teach them that just because something doesn’t fit the obviously scary version they’ve seen in movies or on TV, it doesn’t mean it’s any less real or any less dangerous. 

I’ll also to tell my daughters that domestic violence thrives in secrecy — because it’s an “ugly” thing, and society tries to sweep “ugly” things under the rug. Whether that’s a bug or a feature of our society, it’s regardless a thing that allows abusers to continue to abuse.  

Of course, there are red flags — which I now know about and will teach my kids to watch out for — like partners who are controlling and jealous or those who are quick to anger but slow to forgive. I’ll tell them to be especially wary of anyone who tries to separate them from their friends and their family, which is a sign that this partner is trying to become all that they have left.

I’ll remind my daughters over the years that if they ever find themselves in that impossible and horrible situation, their father and I will be there to help them find a way out. They can and should tell us the moment they feel unsafe in their relationship, because nobody should ever feel unsafe in their relationship. 

I need to make sure that they understand that, if they are ever the victims of domestic violence, it won’t be because of something that they did. Abuse is about the abuser, not the abused. I’ll tell them this again and again and again, because the shame of feeling like you did something wrong keeps so many victims from reaching out.  

Perhaps most importantly of all, though, I will make sure they understand that knowing all of this about abuse won’t somehow protect them from it. There is no vaccine against violence. If there were, parents everywhere would be lined up with their children for miles. There is no trick to avoiding abusers, because they aren’t all the same. Abuse can be found across all social classes and races, and throughout generations around the world. It’s one in four women, after all. And although we as a society never talk about it, I’ll talk about it. I’ll talk about it with my kids and with their friends and with anyone else who needs to hear it. 

I will make sure my daughters know all of this — not because I think knowing it would have saved me, but because I need to believe that knowing it will save them.  

The 31-year-old daughter of the former president and Marla Maples is reportedly seeking guidance from Ivanka, who is a veteran parent to three kids, Arabella, 13, Joseph, 10, and Theodore, 8, with husband Jared Kushner. “She is following her older sister’s footsteps and going from party girl out on the town to marrying a billionaire and will now also be settling down and raising a family,” a Trump insider told Page Six. 

Ivanka and Tiffany’s years in the White House together drew them closer than they’ve ever been, so the pregnancy might even unite them more. “They used to not get along but now they’re bonded over their shared trauma of being the most hated kids in America,” a source told People in August 2023. “Going through that experience with their dad as president was awful for them, they hated it. They want nothing to do with politics this time around, they never want to go through that again. They just want to chill in Miami.”

Ivanka and Tiffany have both maintained their socialite presence in Miami and have kept their campaign support solely focused on the Republican National Convention last July. Like Ivanka, it looks like Tiffany is going to maintain a low profile as her family grows. We also have to wonder how Tiffany feels about her dad sharing her private news with the world because her mom hasn’t confirmed the reported bundle of joy yet either.

Donald Trump apparently couldn’t keep the excitement of being a grandfather again at the mid-October event with Tiffany’s father-in-law, Dr. Massad Boulos, in attendance. “He happens to be the father of Tiffany’s husband, Michael, who’s a very exceptional young guy,” the former president gushed, per CNN reporter Alayna Treene on X. “And she’s an exceptional young woman. And she’s going to have a baby. So that’s nice.”

Let’s hope Tiffany gets to confirm her pregnancy news on her terms in the future!

Before you go, click here to see all the celebrities who kept the baby news a secret.

Is this so wrong? When I polled a bunch of parents with newly minted college kids to see if they ever check their kids’ location, the responses were mixed. About one-third of the respondents shared that they “never” check (transparently, one of them was my husband, which I think is hilarious since he has no problem with me giving him updates) but most said they definitely still do — although less frequently than they may have at home.

“I track my kids with Find My iPhone,” said one mom. “They know it and I have no problem with it. If they end up in a ditch on the side of the road I need to find them. The end.” Another mom said, “My daughter (college sophomore) not only shares her location on Life360 with me, but her friend groups share locations with each other!”

So clearly, I’m not alone. In fact, a cross-sectional study of over 700 college and university students published in the Journal of Adolescence found that “digital location tracking is a fairly common practice among college students, with nearly half of the sample endorsing currently or previously being digitally location tracked by their parent/caregiver.” 

But is it healthy? Yes and no, says Debbie Ferraro, LCSW, PMH-C, and a women’s therapist in private practice in New York City who works closely with moms of college kids. Parents are certainly used to checking up on their kids in this way, and it’s a hard habit to break. The important change as kids head off to college, she says, is to talk it through.

“Typically, as late adolescents transition into college, I recommend having a conversation around how to navigate this together in order to come to a shared understanding and clear boundaries for all,” Ferraro tells SheKnows. “Even if your young person doesn’t seem to have a strong boundary around this, it is important to acknowledge to them that there may be some checking happening, as this is an opportunity to keep the lines of communication open. Again, this is a way of maintaining and building trust in the relationship, which is what you want to preserve through this life phase and beyond.”

A “conversation” can be as informal as a dinner table mention: “I’m planning to keep Life360 going while you’re away — is that OK? I just want to be able to make myself feel better that you’re home safe now and again.” (Or whatever your personal reasoning might be.)

But be prepared for objections. Ferraro says that kids heading to college are smack dab in the middle of an important growth period called “separation and individuation.” This involves pushing back on parental involvement in a variety of ways, she says. It’s completely normal, and if your kid objects to your checking their whereabouts, that’s a developmentally appropriate response.

It’s also one you should heed, Ferraro adds. Even though according to Life360’s own study, 94 percent of Gen Zs polled say they benefit from location sharing, your kid may bristle at this notion and ask you not to. If this happens — abide. It doesn’t mean you can’t raise the subject again later, but for now, resist the urge to remind your kid the only reason they’re going to college in the first place is because you’re paying for it, their phone, and their food … and instead see how you feel when you delete the app.

There’s also such a thing as too much parent checking, cautions Ferraro. If it starts to interfere with your life — say, if you can’t fall asleep until you see that your kid is safely back in their dorm every night — that’s an issue. If this is the case, here’s your gentle reminder that this is a “you” problem, and you should seek out a trained therapist who can work with you on fixing it.

That being said, it’s important to acknowledge that this transition is a huge adjustment for us as parents, too, says Ferraro. And if we haven’t quite gotten into the groove of how much checking is too much checking, it will come. (I mean, our parents didn’t have Life360 when we left the house, and we turned out fine … for the most part.) Most of the parents with older college kids I spoke to don’t location-track much at all these days.

As for my own newbie college kid? Luckily for me, she has zero issues being occasionally tracked. In fact, over the first few weeks, she also made sure I had her email login, her school registration password, and her ATM pin — none of which I asked for — presumably so I could help her stay on top of things. However your kid feels about it, give yourself grace, and focus on the important things: like making sure they’re actually coming home for Thanksgiving!

Before you go, check out where your favorite celeb parents are sending their kids to college.

Celebrity parents have been there, and many of them have unique perspectives on raising humans from 13-18 years old (and stories of the struggle that’ll have every parent of a teenager nodding their head). From sharing an honest look at taking teenagers to therapy to teaching your kids to be bold and stand up for themselves, our favorite A-listers have tons of relatable quotes — and inspiring and genuinely helpful advice — for parents of teens.

Being a teenager is hard. Period. But here are some ways you can cultivate a healthy relationship between your teen and their self esteem. https://t.co/pmyZ5msCJK

— SheKnows (@SheKnows) May 20, 2022

Dwyane Wade, for example, has never been shy about his love for his kids, including his daughter Zaya, 16, who is transgender. “Unconditional love, simply put, is love without strings attached. It’s love you offer freely,” he wrote in December 2020. “You don’t base it on what someone does for you in return. You simply love them and want nothing more than their happiness. This type of love [is] sometimes called compassionate or agape love.”

Kate Hudson, who is mom to three kids ranging from 19 to 5, often opens up about the bittersweet reality of her eldest son Ryder growing up. “And then he was 18,” she wrote on his birthday in January 2022. “My heart is filled with love and excitement for your future. Ryder you incredible, unique, hilarious, loving human, I love you beyond.” But in her signature style, Hudson also turned to humor to help her cope: “PS Now your life is your responsibility and outta my hands! Good luck son!!!”

If you’re going through it with your own teenager right now, rest assured: you’re not alone. Scroll on to see what these celebrities have had to say about raising teens, for better or worse.

And, over the years, some of the most fan-favorite contestants, from Michael Allio and Amanda Stanton to The Golden Bachelorette‘s Joan Vassos, have gone on the show as single parents. Whether they have young kids from former relationships to full adult kids like Vassos who are encouraging her to put herself out there, we’ve seen all kinds of brave single dads and moms taking a step back from parenting duties for a bit and dipping their toes back in the dating pool.

But while the adventure might sound fun, being a single parent contestant (or lead!) on the show is no easy feat. Just ask Emily Maynard, The Bachelorette’s lead back in 2012 who once went off on a contestant for calling her daughter, Ricki, “baggage.”

“I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them,” Maynard said, per Us Weekly. “I will never as long as I live let anyone speak ill of Ricki or any other kids I may have or husband I may have. I want to go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass. That’s how much I love my daughter.”

To check out more single parents like Maynard who went on the show, scroll below!

For many people, the default position might be avoidance, which is a natural response to their own discomfort. “Sometimes we avoid mentioning the loss as though ignoring it makes it not be so,” says child and family psychologist Dr. Vanessa Lapointe. “But it is a huge, gaping hole in this parent’s life.”

Infertility and loss advocate Justine Froelker, who has gone through infertility and has also lost three babies, agrees. “Don’t avoid the topic or not bring it up because you don’t want to remind us of our sadness,” she says. “You can remind us; we live in it and with it every day. Ask us how we are from a place of love.”

Here are more ways you can help someone cope with the loss of a baby.

Provide practical help.

When parents are grieving, they often don’t have the energy to take care of everyday things like making meals, doing chores and looking after other children or pets. By dropping off meals or paying for a house cleaner, babysitting or dog-walking, you can provide the practical help that will make this time a little easier, says Bina Bird, licensed marriage and family therapist.

Don’t look for a silver lining.

Or a light at the end of the tunnel or a reason to be thankful. “Even loved ones with the best of intentions can sometimes say things that are not helpful to a grieving parent,” says Jaime Filler, licensed marriage and family therapist. “Trying to cheer up a grieving parent by sharing success stories of other parents that have had successful births after a loss can make a parent experiencing loss feel frustrated and incompetent.”

Avoid saying things like, “everything happens for a reason,” or “God needed an angel.” And don’t start sentences with “At least …” or “but …” because it’s not going to help. “Sympathy only makes us feel more alone,” explains Froelker. “Instead, choose to practice empathy and say something as simple as, ‘This sucks.'”

Take your cues from the parent.

Sometimes a grieving parent will want to talk about their loss, and sometimes they won’t. And this can change from one day to the next. It is important to let the grieving parent take the lead. “Simply asking, ‘Do you want to talk about it?’ can be a good way to test the waters,” advises Filler. “If you don’t get an encouraging response, you can tell your loved one that you are there to listen anytime they feel like talking about it.”

Don’t try to make it better.

Someone you love is experiencing a loss of life, and it doesn’t need to be made better. “It needs to be understood as horrific and awful and devastating,” says Lapointe. “It is OK to sit in that alongside the parents who are struggling.”

“Ask us what we need, and be OK when we say we aren’t sure,” says Froelker. “Take that as permission to just be with us.”

Listen — for as long as they need you to.

Sometimes, what a grieving parent needs is someone who is really listening to what they’re saying. “Allow them to feel however they feel about it in the moment (hopeless, angry, numb, sad, afraid, etc.),” urges Mallika Bush, marriage and family therapist. “Listen to their story of what happened as many times as they need to tell it.”

Celebrate the life that was — or almost was.

Grieving parents’ feelings on whether or not an unborn baby was “alive” may vary, but for many, that baby existed — even if only in embryonic form. And that alone is something that can be celebrated. “Refer to the baby by name if there was a name given,” says Lapointe. “Talk about the hopes and dreams that were attached to that child. If the child lived, even for a short period of time, tell stories about him or her.”

Keep showing up.

There’s often a lot of support immediately following the loss of a baby, but people eventually move on with their lives. Meanwhile, the loved one is still working through their grief — and may feel isolated. “Keep reaching out to your loved one who is suffering,” says Bush. “Make plans to see them for at least six months following the loss.”

Remember anniversaries.

The parent will never forget their baby’s due date, birthday or death anniversary. Reach out to them on those difficult days. “A card, some flowers, going on a walk with them or even just a text of love can help your loved one not feel so alone in the pain and solitude of remembering the loss,” says Bush.

Above all, remember that your loved one won’t expect you to take their grief away. What you can do is keep them company, help them normalize their feelings and be a consistent, supportive, caring presence.

For more information and advice, Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death (M.E.N.D.) has a list of infant loss organizations offering miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss support.

A version of this story was originally published in February 2018. 

We don’t need to tell you this because you already know. But it still bears repeating — motherhood is complicated. It can be equal amounts messy, joyous, and difficult, but it’s always overwhelming. For years, it’s felt like mothers have endured the ups and downs of motherhood (but especially the downs) without really being able to talk about it. Are there other moms experiencing this too? Is one person’s experience of motherhood the same as everyone else’s?

Luckily, with some movies like Mother’s Instinct and Parallel Mothers making a bang recently, Hollywood has never been more open to exploring the heart-wrenching (and sometimes downright traumatic) aspects of motherhood — and these films aren’t alone.

There are some truly great movies out there that dare to be blunt and honest about motherhood in all its joys, sorrows, and stresses. Over the course of the 21^st century especially, it’s felt like even more stories about the complexity of motherhood have vindicated what audiences may have assumed about motherhood, but never had confirmed.

So many movies, like 2018’s Tully for example, pull back the curtain and give a frank look at motherhood. In Tully, starring Charlize Theron, Marlo is a mom grappling with having her third child all while raising two young ones. It’s a deft look at the way mothers can grapple with postpartum depression and psychosis, while also showing that motherhood isn’t pretty by any means. It’s messy.

But there are also films that celebrate motherhood while showing how complicated it can be. Lady Bird and The Joy Luck Club focus on the relationships between mothers and daughters, while 20^th Century Women shows that it can take a village (of women) to raise an adolescent boy. There’s a wealth of maternal experiences in these movies, and we hope there are more to come in the future.

Read on for more movies that don’t shy away from showing the harder parts of motherhood below.

Much to the chagrin of certain politicians, our children today no longer learn about European explorers “discovering” the Americas the way some of us once did. But American education, like American culture, has some work to do when it comes to telling the full history of what European settlers — and then white Americans — have done to the original inhabitants of this land and their descendants. It’s a horrible history that isn’t all completely appropriate for young children, so maybe it will never quite fit neatly into a school curriculum (not that they shouldn’t try!). So for now, it’s up to parents to supplement that education. And what better day to do so than on this divisive “holiday”?

(A rather obvious note here for any Native / Indigenous folks reading this: You know better than I do how to speak of your people’s history. If you want to share with us how you’re doing so, drop your thoughts in the comments!)

We’re not suggesting that you can sit down and tell your children the entire history of a vastly diverse ethnic group in a single day off from school. But if you do just one thing, it can be the beginning of an ongoing conversation. Here are just some of the ways you can teach your children about what happened in the aftermath of Columbus sailing the ocean blue:

1. Learn whose land you’re on.

Take a look at some maps that lay out where tribes lived in the 1700s, and where they are now. This map  has the names of the tribes and their locations in the United States. You can buy your own at his site, TribalNationsMaps.com.

Watch this heartbreaking illustration of how the country seized tribal lands over the course of 300 years:

2. Examine artifacts.

Browse exhibits at the National Museum of the American Indian. Look at artifacts from long ago, and read stories of today’s First Nations people too. 

3. Enjoy a powwow from afar.

These are gorgeous gatherings of music, dance, competition, and prayer.

4. Take a peek at some teacher-made curricula for Indigenous Peoples’ Day.

The site Teachers Pay Teachers is full of digital and printable workbooks, lessons, and activities made by teachers for each other. There are many parents will find useful too.

5. Watch some Native American teenagers speak the truth.

In this video by Teen Vogue, girls dispel the myths and stereotypes they hear all the time about Native Americans. It’s a great way to show viewers of all ages why all that Pocahontas and Redskins garbage is offensive.

6. Introduce older kids to Indigenous content creators.

If your kids are on social media, there are a ton of great Indigenous content creators on TikTok and Instagram who tell their culture’s stories and dispel myths in a modern and meaningful (and sometimes really funny!) way. Check out @notoriouscree, @quannah.rose, @haatepah, and @indigenous_baddie on IG and @tiamiscihk, @brettstoise, @natrestoule, and @lakotalightning on TikTok, for starters.

7. Brace yourselves to discuss the Trail of Tears.

In one of the ugliest chapters of American history, the Indian Removal Act forced 18,000 Cherokee people from their land in Georgia. As they walked from their homeland to Oklahoma in 1838, 4,000 died along the way. PBS’ American Experience tells the tragic story and has some resources for teaching about it.

8. Eat traditional Native American food vicariously through Padma Lakshmi.

While all the other delicious episodes of Lakshmi’s Hulu series Taste the Nation feature immigrants and their food, we highly recommend watching episode 7, when she travels to Arizona to eat the traditional foods of the land’s original inhabitants — including pack rat!

9. Read books that don’t just “otherize” Native Americans and leave them in some romantic past.

Here are just a few recommendations for different age groups.

First Laugh – Welcome Baby!, by Rose Ann Tahe and Nancy Bo Flood

The Navajo have a special ceremony to commemorate babies’ first laughs, but this baby is making his family work for it. (Ages 2-5.)

Tallchief: America’s Prima Ballerina, by Maria Tallchief

Maria Tallchief grew up on an Osage Indian reservation and went on to make history on the dance stage. (Ages 5-8.)

The Birchbark House, by Louise Erdrich

This is an answer of sorts to Little House on the Prairie, telling the story of a young Ojibwe girl who lives on an island in Lake Superior in 1847. (Ages 8-12.)

Our mission at SheKnows is to empower and inspire women, and we only feature products we think you’ll love as much as we do. Please note that if you purchase something by clicking on a link within this story, we may receive a small commission of the sale. 

While I wasn’t a teen when I dated my abuser, many adolescents are victims of domestic violence. According to the Centers For Disease Control and Prevention, roughly 16 million women and 11 million men who reported experiencing intimate partner violence in their lifetime said that they first experienced it before the age of 18. According to the U.S. Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, 19% of teens in the United States have experienced physical or sexual violence from a dating partner, 50% have faced stalking or harassment, and 65% have reported experiencing psychological abuse in their relationships. And kids from groups that have been marginalized, such as sexual and gender minority youth, have a higher risk of experiencing sexual and physical dating violence.

This knowledge, paired with the heartbreaking truth of how some abusive relationships can end — the high-profile case of Gabby Petito is just one of the more recent examples — may prompt some parents to wonder how they help protect their children, no matter their age.

According to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, a practicing psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health, victims of domestic violence often avoid confiding in family members. “They may feel embarrassed about opening up to their parents out of fear that they’ll be judged or blamed for the situation,” Patel-Dunn tells SheKnows. “While victims are never at fault, they may feel like they ‘caused’ the situation, which can contribute to confusion when it comes to confiding in a loved one or parent.”

Abuse often starts off slowly, presenting itself with “pink flags” — meaning small incidents that hardly seem impactful on their own: An unkind word, hints of jealousy, the occasional angry outburst, typically followed by loving apologies. Parents don’t always bear witness to these events, and like many others, I didn’t divulge my relationship problems to my parents, namely because I didn’t want to turn them against my partner.

More obvious signs of domestic violence can include your child spending an increasing amount of time with their partner while abandoning their personal interests, which can signify that they’re losing their individuality. Or, they might express concern about being separated from their partner or fearing missing their calls or texts (and becoming overly apologetic when they do). According to Patel-Dunn, this could mean your child is uncomfortable making decisions without their partner’s approval. For example, if your child always bends to the whims of their partner, it may indicate they’re trying to avoid conflict, as opposed to finding a compromise. “It’s subtle, and not something that signifies domestic violence in a silo, but along with other red flags can signal an inability or fear of making decisions that would upset a partner or trigger them in any way,” she explains.

Pink flags don’t always seem unhealthy which makes them trickier to identify. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook, an oft-overlooked warning sign is “a sudden onset of happiness, euphoria, and excitement stemming from a new relationship with someone else.” While those emotions can reflect a happy and healthy relationship, they can also be the result of a practice called “Love Bombing,” when abusers use an onslaught of positive words to manipulate their partner’s emotions in order to win their trust and loyalty, with the ultimate goal of exploitation.

As a parent, you may not witness “love bombing” in action, but the aftermath can trigger changes in your child’s moods or behavior. “When someone is being love-bombed they feel on top of the world and are often very happy and joyful,” Cook tells SheKnows. “However, the abuser may stop calling your child, ignore their texts, or become verbally abusive,” triggering a rollercoaster of emotions.

Other signs of domestic violence: If your child is still living at home, you may notice their partner popping up unannounced and demanding they drop everything to be with them. “This person may also purposefully show up at family events to which they were not invited and refuse to leave unless your child goes with them,” Cook says. “This individual may also complain about your child’s friends in an effort to guilt him or her into spending less time with them.”

While Patel-Dunn says domestic violence signs can vary, “Anytime parents notice a sudden change in their child’s attitude or behavior, I recommend finding a safe place and time to talk.” If you are concerned, have a private conversation with your child. “But avoid communicating through phone or email, as abusers may monitor electronic communication,” she says.

If you’re unsure about how to begin, Cook advises asking general questions like, “Are you happy?” or “Does this person inspire you to be a better version of yourself?” before sharing specific changes you’ve noticed in your child’s behavior. “Ask if they’ve noticed the changes as well. Ask them if they like the changes.” However, try to remain calm and avoid accusations. “Give objective feedback. Maybe they haven’t noticed these behaviors,” she says.

Unfortunately, prohibiting your child from seeing their partner can backfire. “Unless you plan on locking your kid in their room and removing all contact with the outside world, it’s really hard to enforce that mandate,” explains Cook.

The good news is, parents can talk to their children about domestic violence even before it becomes a concern. That’s because kids pick up cues about what is, and isn’t, appropriate in relationships long before they’re ready to date. “Parents start to influence their child’s tolerance for abuse from the time they are old enough to refuse a kiss or a hug from Grandma,” says Cook. “It all starts with consent: Do you allow your child to have full autonomy of themselves from a young age? Do you educate them about consent? Do you teach them that it’s okay to say ‘No’ and that word is a complete sentence without explanation?”

One common way that parents unintentionally gaslight young children is by invalidating their feelings. According to Cook, statements like “Don’t cry, you just scraped your knee,” “Don’t be a baby,” or “You’re not afraid, you’ve had shots before — just relax” can condition kids to accept another person’s version of events.

Once children are tweens and become aware of romantic relationships, parents can directly address appropriate behavior when they witness real-world examples.

These conversations don’t have to be big sit-down moments either — they can occur organically. “Point out every time you see victim-blaming in the media and talk about how everyone is responsible for their own actions and reactions,” says Cook. And instill the idea that it’s everyone’s responsibility to control their own anger without getting violent. “An abuser’s behaviors reflect their inner world, not yours,” she says.

If you’ve discovered that your child has been the victim of domestic violence, you may feel as though you’re partially to blame because you didn’t see the signs, however, experts agree that this couldn’t be further from the truth. “I want to reiterate that domestic violence is never the victim’s fault or the victim’s family’s fault, and it can happen to anyone regardless of gender, socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation,” says Patel-Dunn. “It’s a common tactic for abusers to claim that the fault lies with the victim, but that is so they can continue the emotional abuse and shame their victims.”

“About one in four women and one in seven men will experience violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime,” Patel-Dunn continues. “While victims may feel isolated and alone, there are a number of resources and support available.” Here are a few suggestions.

That day in my parents’ kitchen, I began the process of leaving my abuser, which I couldn’t have done without their love and support. While no parent can outright prevent their child from experiencing an abusive relationship, recognizing the signs and knowing how to help can possibly save their life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, visit thehotline.org, or text “START” to 88788.

This would be a lot for anyone to handle. But for me, someone who lives with a severe mental illness, it was overwhelming. The trauma stunned me, and the shock sent my system into overdrive. My feelings vacillated between apathy, anger and numbness. Today, I am more depressed than I’ve been in a long time — and it’s affecting how I parent my own two kids.

Of course, millions of Americans live with a depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and/or another mental illness. I am just like one in five U.S. adults, but parenting while sick is particularly challenging. Parenting with a severe mental illness is tough, and my diagnosis — bipolar II — affects my children in numerous ways. 

When I’m depressed, I am unable to function. I lie on the floor while my children climb on top of me and play around me — while they use me as a prop. A toy. I cry … often. My 17-month-old son laughs at my tears, because mommy makes silly faces when she cries. Because water leaking from my eyes is pretty funny. But my 7-year-old daughter dries my tears; she reminds me its just a spill. That we can clean things up.

When I’m depressed, my fuse is short. I’m irritable and quick to anger. I yell, shriek, scream and shout.

When I’m manic, I am the happy mom. The entertaining mom. The “fun mom.” I sing loudly and dance often. We bust out the karaoke mic and bluetooth speaker. We go on regular trips: to the mall, the Disney store, the playground, pool and beach. I plan extravagant vacations, whether we can afford to take them or not. We craft. A lot. Things I normally do not have the patience for, like glitter and paint, make their way onto my dining room table and into our living room. And I stay up late, working, cleaning, cooking and baking. In the morning, there are cookies on the kitchen counter. Our fridge is full of food.

But there are also dangers. I drink too frequently and spend too much. During my most recent manic episode, I accrued thousands of dollars of debt in three days. Three. Days. I thought I was unstoppable — that my family and I were untouchable. I put us in dangerous positions, physically, mentally and emotionally.

The good news is, thanks to therapy and medication, most days I am balanced. I’m stable, well, “normal” and good. My emotions are regulated and my mood is in check. And this means I can be present; I am able to accomplish little things, like cleaning and cooking dinner. I pay the bills and open the mail. I have the patience and the presence to listen to my daughter and play with her. And because I am level-headed myself, we are able to discuss my daughter’s emotions, apprehensions and fears. I get to be the parent I want to be — the parent my children deserve.

Is it easy? No. I wish I felt normal. I wish I were “normal” all the time, whatever that may be. I just want to be a good parent. A Pinterest parent. A mom who wears rompers and runs beside her kids at the park. But (and this is an odd “but”), my illness has benefits, as strange as that sounds. Because thanks to bipolar disorder, I am able to teach my children the weight of an apology, and the power of compassion and empathy. I am able to talk to them about their feelings and emotions because I feel everything so intensely — because my life is lived in extremes. And I am able to appreciate the little things. I truly appreciate the days when I am healthy and well.

So if you are a parent with a severe mental illness — one who doubts yourself and your abilities — don’t forget that you are a good person. A strong person, a capable person, and a great parent. Because your illness doesn’t define you; what defines you is how you handle it, and how you handle yourself.

So be patient. Be consistent. Be kind. And make sure you ask for help, if and when you need it. Never, ever be afraid to get help.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, visit SuicidePreventionLifeline.org, or text “START” to 741-741 to immediately speak to a trained counselor at Crisis Text Line.

Before you go, check out how these celebrity parents are teaching their kids self-care.