Is this so wrong? When I polled a bunch of parents with newly minted college kids to see if they ever check their kids’ location, the responses were mixed. About one-third of the respondents shared that they “never” check (transparently, one of them was my husband, which I think is hilarious since he has no problem with me giving him updates) but most said they definitely still do — although less frequently than they may have at home.

“I track my kids with Find My iPhone,” said one mom. “They know it and I have no problem with it. If they end up in a ditch on the side of the road I need to find them. The end.” Another mom said, “My daughter (college sophomore) not only shares her location on Life360 with me, but her friend groups share locations with each other!”

So clearly, I’m not alone. In fact, a cross-sectional study of over 700 college and university students published in the Journal of Adolescence found that “digital location tracking is a fairly common practice among college students, with nearly half of the sample endorsing currently or previously being digitally location tracked by their parent/caregiver.” 

But is it healthy? Yes and no, says Debbie Ferraro, LCSW, PMH-C, and a women’s therapist in private practice in New York City who works closely with moms of college kids. Parents are certainly used to checking up on their kids in this way, and it’s a hard habit to break. The important change as kids head off to college, she says, is to talk it through.

“Typically, as late adolescents transition into college, I recommend having a conversation around how to navigate this together in order to come to a shared understanding and clear boundaries for all,” Ferraro tells SheKnows. “Even if your young person doesn’t seem to have a strong boundary around this, it is important to acknowledge to them that there may be some checking happening, as this is an opportunity to keep the lines of communication open. Again, this is a way of maintaining and building trust in the relationship, which is what you want to preserve through this life phase and beyond.”

A “conversation” can be as informal as a dinner table mention: “I’m planning to keep Life360 going while you’re away — is that OK? I just want to be able to make myself feel better that you’re home safe now and again.” (Or whatever your personal reasoning might be.)

But be prepared for objections. Ferraro says that kids heading to college are smack dab in the middle of an important growth period called “separation and individuation.” This involves pushing back on parental involvement in a variety of ways, she says. It’s completely normal, and if your kid objects to your checking their whereabouts, that’s a developmentally appropriate response.

It’s also one you should heed, Ferraro adds. Even though according to Life360’s own study, 94 percent of Gen Zs polled say they benefit from location sharing, your kid may bristle at this notion and ask you not to. If this happens — abide. It doesn’t mean you can’t raise the subject again later, but for now, resist the urge to remind your kid the only reason they’re going to college in the first place is because you’re paying for it, their phone, and their food … and instead see how you feel when you delete the app.

There’s also such a thing as too much parent checking, cautions Ferraro. If it starts to interfere with your life — say, if you can’t fall asleep until you see that your kid is safely back in their dorm every night — that’s an issue. If this is the case, here’s your gentle reminder that this is a “you” problem, and you should seek out a trained therapist who can work with you on fixing it.

That being said, it’s important to acknowledge that this transition is a huge adjustment for us as parents, too, says Ferraro. And if we haven’t quite gotten into the groove of how much checking is too much checking, it will come. (I mean, our parents didn’t have Life360 when we left the house, and we turned out fine … for the most part.) Most of the parents with older college kids I spoke to don’t location-track much at all these days.

As for my own newbie college kid? Luckily for me, she has zero issues being occasionally tracked. In fact, over the first few weeks, she also made sure I had her email login, her school registration password, and her ATM pin — none of which I asked for — presumably so I could help her stay on top of things. However your kid feels about it, give yourself grace, and focus on the important things: like making sure they’re actually coming home for Thanksgiving!

Before you go, check out where your favorite celeb parents are sending their kids to college.

While our parents and grandparents may have simplified their parenting approach as either a “strict” or “lenient” philosophy, the breadth of parenting styles recognized today goes far beyond the two. In fact, most parents don’t just follow one of the many styles commonly practiced today, but an amalgamation of a few.

Because every family is different, and every child within a family is different, most parents mix and match parenting styles according to what works best for their circumstances and the personalities at play. Though some fervently insist there is a “right” parenting style and you should only be raising your child within the confines of that one philosophy, parenting styles are more like a buffet: take what you like and leave what you don’t. Additionally, if you try a style and it doesn’t work for you, you don’t have to add it to your “plate” again — and you can try a new style any time you like.

Dr. Amber Thornton, clinical psychologist and author of A Parent’s Guide to Self-Regulation, believes a mix-and-match approach to parenting styles is more helpful than adhering to just one method. “Utilizing a mix of various parenting styles can be extremely effective and supportive for many parents,” she began. “The rationale behind practicing a variety of styles is that it’s possible for parents to align with or agree with multiple approaches. For some parents, they may find that some of their strengths align with one parenting style, while they still have an interest in learning about another approach.”

Dr. Thornton continued, “Similarly, some parents may find that blending the strengths and skills from two or three approaches best supports the manner in which they need or hope to guide their children. Lastly, many parenting styles overlap and there are some similarities between them that make it natural to … practice or utilize more than one approach.”

It wasn’t until the late 1960s that the first types of parenting styles were named and defined. Dr. Diana Baumrind, a renowned psychologist, pioneered research into parenting styles and defined three clear philosophies at the time: authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive parenting. In the decades since Dr. Baumrind’s groundbreaking research, many other parenting styles have been born — and we’re breaking down the most common philosophies followed by parents today with the help of a few experts.

Attachment Parenting

In attachment parenting, the goal is for the parent and child to form a strong emotional bond. Parents who adopt this style strive to respond to their child’s needs immediately, lead with sensitivity, and be emotionally available for their child at all times.

Dr. Thornton explained that the method “emphasizes responding promptly to a baby’s cries, believing them to be a form of communication rather than manipulation.” She added, “This approach focuses heavily on physical contact as a means of connection. Therefore, parental responsiveness extends to carrying them often in slings or carriers and practicing co-sleeping or breastfeeding throughout the night.”

The belief is that strong attachment to the parent helps the child become a more secure, empathic, peaceful human being. In addition to baby-wearing, breastfeeding, and co-sleeping, practices that fall within attachment parenting include natural childbirth, positive discipline, and homeschooling.

Attachment parenting is one of the more heavily criticized parenting styles, with many “expressing concern that it may ‘spoil’ children or hinder their ability to learn to self-soothe,” according to the clinical psychologist. On the flip side, Dr. Thornton explained, “Proponents of attachment parenting believe these practices meet a baby’s fundamental needs for security and comfort, fostering a secure attachment that lays the groundwork for better emotional regulation, strong social development, and healthy self-esteem in children.”

Authoritarian Parenting

One of Dr. Baumrind’s original parenting styles is authoritarian parenting. Authoritarian parents value obedience to a higher authority and are known to be less nurturing than parents who follow other styles. Amanda Vierheller, co-founder and COO of Playgarden Prep, described the style as “a parent-driven method where parents set strict rules and use primarily one-way communication.” She added, “Children’s social-emotional needs are not the focus and there is no collaboration. Punishment is used rather than discipline, and children’s self-esteem often suffers.”

Using strict rules and harsh discipline, authoritarian parents seek to bend their kids’ will to their wishes. Dr. Thornton explained, “These rules and expectations are enforced with minimal room for negotiation or flexibility. Many parents find that helpful in minimizing externalizing behavioral concerns.”

While it may be more comfortable for parents, Dr. Thornton shared the many negative effects of the authoritarian approach on the children themselves, including “low self-esteem; difficulty making decisions; lack of confidence in their own decision-making abilities; rebellion or its opposite, over-compliance; and reduced communication skills.” She added, “Many of these children later go on to report experiences of anxiety, depression, lowered frustration tolerance, and a general increased occurrence of emotional distress.”

Authoritative Parenting 

Authoritative parenting, another of Dr. Baumrind’s styles, is similar to authoritarian parenting — but there are notable differences. Dr. Baumrind characterized authoritative parenting by “high demands” and “high responsiveness.” This means parents set high expectations for their children, but they provide support for their kids to succeed, which in turn fosters a sense of security and confidence in the children.

“Authoritative parenting is a parenting approach that focuses on nurturing a strong and respectful parent-child relationship,” Dr. Thornton explained. “This approach heavily promotes the child’s development, self-esteem, and general well-being. Authoritative parenting involves setting clear and age-appropriate expectations and boundaries for behavior. This helps children to know what is expected and what is acceptable,” she shared.

Dr. Thornton emphasized the importance of open and honest communication in this method, which “helps parents to actively listen, validate feelings, and provide nonjudgmental guidance.” Additionally, “Authoritative parenting aims to teach children problem-solving skills and help them understand the consequences of their actions. Conflicts are frequently resolved through discussions and collaborative solutions,” she explained.

Parents who follow this philosophy typically establish rules and guidelines and expect their children to follow them. But unlike authoritarian parenting, the methodology is more democratic than a “my-way-or-the-highway” outlook. For children who fail to meet the authoritative parent’s expectations, the parent responds in a more nurturing, forgiving, and responsive manner than that of an authoritarian parent. For authoritative parents, the approach to discipline is assertive but not restrictive, seeking to provide support rather than punish.

Free-range Parenting

Free-range parenting launched to popularity after Lenore Skenazy famously allowed her 9-year-old son to navigate his way home on the New York City subway system by himself in 2008. The idea behind the hands-off parenting style is to foster independence within children by allowing them to have more autonomy and less supervision while still enforcing general rules and expectations.

“Free-range parenting prioritizes fostering independence and self-reliance in children by granting them increased freedom with limited supervision,” Dr. Thornton explained. “This translates to activities like letting older children walk to school alone, play freely in safe environments, or navigate age-appropriate errands without hovering parents. Free-range parents instill clear boundaries and open communication, with trust and responsibility growing alongside the child’s maturity,” she shared.

While free-range parenting helps children develop independence and problem-solving skills, boosts self-confidence, and encourages exploration and creativity, safety concerns are a major criticism of the style. “Opponents worry about children encountering dangers or being unable to handle unexpected situations,” Dr. Thornton explained. She added, “Busy streets or areas with high crime rates might require more parental involvement.” In addition to common sense judgment calls, parents must be aware of their state’s laws to ensure their child is legally permitted to be unsupervised based on their age.

Gentle Parenting

Gentle parenting is perhaps the most talked-about parenting style at the moment. Vierheller explained, “Gentle parenting is a nurturing style of raising children that allows parents to partner with their little ones to promote growth and development. This parenting style encourages open communication and reflection to lead children in making positive choices independently. Parents connect with their child to develop empathy and grow social-emotional skills together,” she shared.

Compassion, trust, and respect are leading characteristics of gentle parenting, as the ultimate goal is fostering a strong parent-child bond built on a foundation of emotional security. Parents do not act as authority figures but as collaborators who empathize with their children and model healthy behaviors to show their kids how they should interact with others. Dr. Thornton explained, “Heavy emphasis is placed on helping children develop emotional intelligence within the gentle-parenting approach. This involves recognizing and managing emotions effectively.”

While gentle parenting leads to fantastic results in children, it’s one of the most emotionally draining philosophies for parents to follow. “Critics note that gentle parenting is time-consuming, doesn’t immediately produce behavioral change, and can be demanding for parents and interfere with their own well-being,” Dr. Thornton shared. She added, “Critics often believe that too much understanding and empathy might interfere with a child’s preparedness for ‘the real world,’ which may be more harsh or challenging.”

Helicopter Parenting

Child development researchers Foster Cline and Jim Fay coined the term “helicopter parenting” in their 1990 book Parenting With Love and Logic to describe parents who hover over their children like a helicopter hovers over the ground. While it comes from a place of love and protectiveness, helicopter parents constantly interfere with their children’s lives so they don’t have to experience struggle or discomfort.

“Helicopter parenting describes overprotective and highly involved parenting practices,” Dr. Thornton explained. She added, “Helicopter parents tend to closely monitor and intervene in their children’s lives, often to an extreme degree.” This includes but is not limited to parents keeping a close eye on their kids’ activities, academic progress, social endeavors, and whereabouts.

The philosophy sees parents solving their kids’ issues before the children can apply their problem-solving skills or experience failure, which can backfire later in life. While helicopter parenting is fairly normal to ensure the safety and security of babies and very young children, too much of this parenting style can result in grown children who are overly dependent on their parents.

“This approach may lead some children to experience their parents as excessive or burdensome, and it can hinder or delay child development of autonomy, resilience, and problem-solving skills,” Dr. Thornton explained. She added, “Helicopter parenting often contributes to experiences of childhood anxiety and stress, as children learn to have every aspect of their lives managed by parents.” This can have significant effects once children enter adulthood, as they have little experience navigating hardships or even routine tasks independently.

Instinctive Parenting

Instinctive parenting is a method in which parents follow their intuition or gut feeling when raising their children. Dr. Thornton explained, “It prioritizes a responsive and nurturing approach, focusing on the unique cues and needs of one’s individual child rather than following rigid schedules or external advice. This might involve responding promptly to cries, breastfeeding on demand, or prioritizing physical closeness based on your child’s temperament.” She added, “Proponents believe this fosters a strong parent-child bond and allows parents to tap into their natural ability to nurture.”

Dr. Thornton shared that this style not only fosters a stronger bond with the child but also empowers parents to trust their instincts, which reduces decision fatigue. While the parenting style is healthy overall, the clinical psychologist shared, “Some parents may need more structure and predictability to be implemented into their parenting approach for best results.” Additionally, “Complex behaviors or developmental delays may require additional guidance.”

In the same vein as being tailored to the individual child, the philosophy is also personal to each parent, as it may be heavily influenced by the way the parent was raised by their parents. Instinctive parents are more likely to teach what’s familiar to them and parent the way they were brought up.

Permissive Parenting

If at any point the word “lenient” comes back into play, it’s for this type of parenting. The permissive parenting style is often evidenced by individuals who try to be more of a friend than a parent to their children.

“Permissive parenting is a child-driven approach in which parents rarely set or enforce rules,” Vierheller explained. “In this style, parents often indulge their children to avoid conflict, which can teach habits that are incongruent with teamwork and establishing positive social connections. Children with strong temperaments may be able to take advantage of the lack of boundaries, and an overall lack of rules could lead to disruptive and dangerous behavior,” she shared.

Dr. Thornton explained that in permissive parenting, “Children are given a high degree of freedom in making choices. This might involve flexible bedtimes, unrestricted screen time, or allowing children to dictate what they wear or eat.” She shared that while “Warmth and acceptance can create a positive and loving environment … [and] children can explore their interests and develop autonomy, children may struggle with self-regulation and impulse control due to a lack of boundaries and structure.”

Dr. Thornton continued, “Children might struggle in structured settings or with following rules because of the lack of structure or rules at home.” She added, “Without clear expectations, disagreements and power struggles can arise between children and their parents.” Because age-appropriate expectations aren’t enforced, kids raised with the permissive philosophy are more likely to have poor social skills, be aggressive, show signs of anxiety and depression, and struggle in school.

Before you go, check out how these celebrities navigate parenting to raise their kids to be good humans.

Said daughter joined the subreddit to find out how to handle her helicopter mom’s most recent outrageous request. This woman who originally posted (the “OP” in Reddit lingo) said that even as a teen, she wasn’t allowed to go outside unsupervised. If OP was going to a friend’s house, her mom would insist on knowing who the parents were, who the siblings were, and talk to the parents on the phone. Even as a teen! Also … the siblings?!

“Sometimes she’d go through my cellphone or diary (though not all the time), if she called me I would have to answer immediately or I’d get into trouble, this even happened while I was in school, I wasn’t allowed to ride a bike or swim because my mom was afraid I’d get hurt,” OP said.

The Latest Problem

OP moved to another state, and her mom has apparently asked her to share her location — on multiple occasions.

“I have told her, repeatedly, no,” OP said. “This behavior did not extend to my [29-year-old] brother. She does have really bad anxiety which I understand but she acts like she’s going to keel over and die if I don’t.”

The location thing is the big point of contention right now, but OP said her mom also mails her pepper spray … which I think is a lot, but OP “lowkey thinks it’s sweet.” And for those who think she should go “NC” (no contact) with her mom, she said that won’t work.

“I took a nap at like 2PM last weekend and because I didn’t answer her call she called my fiancé while he was at work AND my MIL. She’d contact me whether I want her to or not.”

OP said she loves her mom and that she’s “crazy (in a mostly endearing way),” but now she wants to know: “AITA for not turning on my location for my mother?”

Reddit’s Reaction

Reddit is floored by this mom’s request. She needs her adult daughter’s location? But not her adult son’s? So not only is she a helicopter parent, but perhaps a sexist one too?

“You’re an adult and this is very over the top, this isn’t even something she should be asking you at this point in your life,” said the top comment. “Is your mother in any sort of therapy for her anxiety?”

Redditors agreed this mom needs to see a therapist for everyone’s sake. OP shouldn’t have her privacy constantly invaded, and her mom, who is seemingly the a—hole, shouldn’t have to live with this level of anxiety.

“The solution for Mom’s anxiety is therapy, not intrusion into OP’s life.”

Before you go, check out some of Reddit AITA’s biggest fiascos where everyone is to blame.

Trying to save my son from barfing up his pizza lunch, I delicately remind him in front of the entire playground that spinny rides make him vomit. Instead of thanking me for looking out for his delicate tummy, he gives me an awkward smile and starts running — away from me. What is happening? I thought I was saving my son the embarrassment of puking in public, but it seems I’m the embarrassment. Is there a way to explain to my kiddo that I’m not overprotective, I’m just helpful?

My protective mom instincts were born with my son. They grew out of the strong connection I felt the first time I held him. When his tiny fingers wrapped around mine, my heart was no longer my own and I knew I had to keep my little one safe at all costs. I was ready to protect him from air bubbles in his bottles and defend him from monsters that hide under beds. Not one to shirk my responsibilities, I took this task more seriously than a threenager telling their parents what to do.

To ensure my newborn’s safety, I invested in little sleep and large anti-colic bottles. As he grew, I watched carefully to see that his baby food was sufficiently pulverized and that he didn’t eat his crayons as appetizers. There were many days my brain was so exhausted from assessing all the pitfalls and perils to my kid’s safety, that I couldn’t have named even one Paw Patrol character. I imagined my ol’ middle-school Safety Patrol buddies totally proud of my efforts, because I can honestly say my son never rode our Roomba down the sidewalk once.

I have to admit, as my kid grew older, I was relieved that I could slack off a bit. When he became more aware of his surroundings and knew stairs were for walking down and not for sliding down, I felt my protective urgency relax somewhat. I followed this new intuition and downshifted into what I thought was a more “helpful” space.

“Hey sweetheart, you might want to slow down in those shoes. They’re a little slippery on this wet grass,” I said to my then 4-year-old.

My kid took my advice to heart and slowed down. With a careful saunter and a big smile, I watched him head back over in my direction. He threw his arms around my legs and shouted into my kneecaps, “You’re the best mom ever!” Hugging him back, I thanked him for his thoughtfulness and felt full of happy love from my little guy. With that big stamp of approval, I thought: Wow, I am the best mom ever! But then it all changed so quickly.

Where my son once welcomed my concern and care, his acceptance slowly became, well … less accepting. When I’d casually remind him to stop giggling while drinking his milk (because clearly, it might shoot out of his nose), there were no more appreciative hugs. Instead, it’s replaced by an awkward silence or phrases like, “Mom, I’ve got this.” So I’m kind of sensing there might be a little hiccup in my “helpful” parenting style?

The thing is, I don’t know how to turn these protective instincts off. I still see danger lurking behind every corner — because my 8-year-old might trip on a dust bunny and we all know how that goes.

I want to keep my son safe whether it be not talking with his mouth full of food or helping with emotional situations. But I’m wondering if there comes a time when all my “helpfulness” isn’t helpful. My grade-schooler may be exactly right when he lets me know he’s capable of handling the rate at which he drinks milk or spins on the playground. The truth of the matter is, it feels more than strange to baby-step it back. Not only do I worry about my kid’s safety without my warnings, but stepping back from stepping in triggers big feelings of loss within me.

When my son was born, he was so vulnerable and fragile. He looked to me to keep him safe, and this built our trust as he grew; it strengthened our connection. Now, I get that he’s looking for ways to trust himself without me. Backing off and letting go is way harder than I thought it would be. The struggle between deciding to step in or take a backseat is real.

“Mom, I’m gonna run,” my kid shouts gleefully from the other side of the park.

Yep, the grass is wet and super slippery and all I want to do is call out after him to be mindful of his shoes so he doesn’t trip. But I don’t — because if he falls, I’ll be there to pick him up again. It’s not at all easy for this “helpful” mama to let go, but it would be best for my son to take a little step back and allow him space to make his own decisions. This way he can learn to trust himself — and that’s a positive trait I definitely want to protect.

“Yesterday she went to work and she told me her shift finished at 1:30 p.m.,” the now-deleted original post said of her daughter who is living at home while attending college. “It got to 3:30 p.m. and she still wasn’t home yet so I called her to see where she was and she didn’t pick up. I called her again and still no answer. I called her maybe 10 times and asked her brother to call her but she didn’t pick up, so I called her boss to ask if he knew where she was.”

Can you imagine if your mom called your boss?! I can actually, as when I was in my early 20s, my roommate’s parents left overnight voicemail messages for practically everyone we knew — including my roommate’s boss — when they couldn’t reach us on our landline due to a service outage, and they were convinced we had been murdered.

But seriously, this was two hours in the middle of the afternoon! We get that her mom was worried that she had been in a car accident or needed help escaping from a kidnapper or something, but this mom probably needs to watch less Law & Order: SVU. It turns out the 20-year-old had been asked by her boss to stay late because they were really busy.

“When she got home she was not happy with me,” the mom wrote on Reddit. “She told me she didn’t have a chance to tell me she was staying late but she was going to text me as soon as she could’ve. She said I embarrassed her by calling her boss and that I need to give her more freedom as she’s 20 years old, and I ‘don’t need to know where she is all the time.’ I told her she should be more considerate of my feelings and she should’ve called me, even if it meant making a customer wait a minute.”

Wow, wow, wow. We know this mom’s concern comes from a place of love, but she also sounds pretty selfish. Not only does she feel entitled to know where her adult daughter is every minute, but she thinks her feelings take priority over her daughter’s job and customers.

As Reddit user dickicorn wrote, “That just makes me want to see the full on FIT she would throw if she was the customer and an employee told her ‘wait I have to call my mom to tell her I’m still at work!'”

As many commenters pointed out, this likely also negatively affected the boss’ opinion of her daughter as an employee.

“This is how you treat a 12 year old, not a 20 year old,” wrote des1gnbot. “Where she is every minute of the day is no longer your concern; she gets to decide that. Also you may have harmed her standing at work by encouraging her boss to view her as a child. What if your husband did the same to you; how would you feel about it?”

Anglerfishtacos agreed: “She is 20 years old and was 2 hours delayed in the middle of the day. People get held up, and you do not need her reporting to you every time plans change. Calling her 10x plus having her brother call, then calling her boss when she is delayed for a short amount of time makes you look like a lunatic and her unprofessional.”

Several others pointed out this mom took helicopter parenting to a new level. “YTA, and a weapons-grade helicopter parent,” commented Anonymotron42. “If you were a TV show you’d be Airwolf or if you were a movie I’d call you Blue Thunder. Way to fire an air-to-ground missile at your daughter’s job!”

And nochickflickmoments brought up an interesting scratch-our-chins point about hovering parents in general: “What did these helicopter parents do before cell phones? Oh, I know, drive around town yelling their name out the car window?”

As this AITA mom deleted her original post from Reddit, we suspect that she is embarrassed by her actions and now sees the error of her ways thanks to the commenters on Reddit. Next time she and her daughter disagree, we hope she’ll be willing to accept and respect her daughter’s feelings without having to ask a forum of strangers for their opinion first. Meanwhile, we hope she and her daughter make up, set up some ground rules and boundaries for their new adult-to-adult relationship, and perhaps that she even get some therapy for what seem like larger-than-usual anxiety issues. And try to catch some episodes of Airwolf — that was a great show!

Childbirth is nothing like in the movies, as these beautiful photos show.

Ahead are some of the ways parenting has changed over the past decade, for better or for worse.

Parenting styles: choppers, snowplows, mowers, oh my!

Image: Design: Ashley Britton/SheKnows.

Ah, the parenting “style.” It’s a topic as contested as “the dress, and as inescapable as the Kardashians. A few parenting styles dominated the past decade: the helicopter, the snowplow, and the lawnmower. And while these styles weren’t necessarily new, they certainly got a lot of buzz this decade.

We began with “helicopter parenting,” a trend in which parents “control and manage [their kids] to an extreme to ensure success,” licensed clinical social worker Lynn Zakeri tells SheKnows. Often, these parents are “driven by anxiety” and “project their own fear of failure on their kids,” she adds.

Helicopter parents are the commercial drones of parents. They’re always hovering and monitoring, and though they might catch a few pretty photos, they’re a nuisance at the beach. For a while, being branded as a “helicopter parent” seemed like the worst thing that could happen to someone; it was a scarlet letter that no amount of Tide Pods could scrub away. But how could you tell if you were one of these overly controlling parents? Well, in the early 2010s, you could take a quiz, of course!

It wasn’t long after the chopper parenting style lost its steam — erm, gas — that new, even more controversial methods came into the spotlight: snowplow and lawnmower. Like helicopter parents, snowplows and lawnmowers are overly involved in their children’s lives. But instead of just hovering, they block any obstacles in their kids’ paths — whether they’re dealing with bad grades, auditions, or job interviews — by directly interfering. Plowers and mowers might hassle a soccer coach to ensure their kids start in the next game or, in extreme cases, might plot an elaborate multi-million dollar college admissions scandal (looking at you, Aunt Becky).

While these styles are commonly frowned upon, it’s natural for parents to want to intervene, especially in today’s world, says Dr. Dana Dorfman, Ph.D., psychotherapist and co-host of the podcast 2 Moms on the Couch. “Parents are anxious about the uncertainty of the future — economy, politics, environment, globalization, and technology,” she tells SheKnows. “They are trying to figure out ways to manage this worry and bypass the previous generation’s tendency toward ‘helicoptering.'”

Zakeri hopes that 2020 will bring a new style of parenting, which she coined as “the passenger,” to the forefront. Unlike mowers, choppers, and snowplows, passenger parents let their kids take the wheel while they sit next to them and provide guidance. The point, Zakeri says, is to allow kids to gain independence and confidence as they navigate the world. “I will foresee the obstacles, but [my son] will decide what to do about them,” she explains. “But when he makes a safety mistake, I am going to take over and be his parent.”

Co-parenting: Working together for the kids

Image Design: Ashley Britton/SheKnows.

One of the decade’s defining moments came from Gwyneth Paltrow, who announced she and ex-husband Chris Martin were “consciously uncoupling” after 11 years of marriage. Though the couple still formally divorced, consciously uncoupling meant that Paltrow and the Coldplay frontman would stay involved in each other’s lives and make an effort to reframe their family in a way that best supported their children. The GOOP founder got a lot of flack for the term, as she recently told Dax Shepard on his Armchair Expert podcast. Still, it started a meaningful conversation about co-parenting, in which two or more of the children’s guardians work together to raise their collective kids.

“Co-parenting” has become a bit of a buzzword these days, as more families are living outside of the nuclear mold; today, 32% of children live with an unmarried parent, according to the Pew Research Center. But despite the happy-go-lucky paparazzi images of celebs like Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, co-parenting isn’t always a walk in the park. Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be complete hell, either, thanks to co-parenting apps and tried-and-true hacks real parents swear by.

But co-parenting expands beyond parenting in two separate households. Coupled parents are also sharing more responsibilities than ever before as society continues to challenge outdated gender norms. “With gradually changing work arrangements and progress in gender neutrality, fathers continue to assume greater emotional involvement in their children’s lives,” Dorfman says, adding that parental leave laws are also making it easier for dads to get involved.

Parents are also making more of an effort to be present with their kids, Julie Morgenstern, time management expert and author of Time to Parent, tells SheKnows. “We entered the decade seeing a generation of parents who are spending more time with their children than any previous generation,” she says. “By way of reference, between 1965 and 2011, moms had almost tripled the number of quality hours they spend with their children from 7 to 20 hours per week, and fathers more than doubled their time spent on childcare from 2.5 to 7 hours a week.”

While most parents are more involved with household chores and parenting, women are still more likely to do the brunt of the work, according to a 2017 study published in Sex Roles.

Technology: The good, the bad & the downright stressful

Image: Ashley Britton/SheKnows.

Technological advancements over the past decade have been a blessing and a curse. There’s plenty of parenting information and advice online, both in articles and in virtual support groups, Dorfman says. Though it’s great to have easy access to expert tips and a community of other parents who “get it,” the sheer abundance of information and opinions can be completely overwhelming.

Similarly, parents have more access to their children than ever before. “With the ubiquity of technological devices, parents and children have consistent access and capacity to maintain communication,” Dorfman says. Additionally, parents can track their kids through their phones, watches, and other devices (though the practice is controversial). While tracking kids could keep them safe in some instances, Dorfman says that such “ongoing access influences the nature of emotional separation and individuation” for both parents and their kids.

While we can choose whether we check in on our kids’ whereabouts, avoiding screens and technology altogether is much more difficult. The average household has about seven screens, including tablets, laptops, desktop computers, smartphones, e-readers, TVs, and video game consoles, according to a survey conducted by ReportLinker. These devices are getting a lot of use too. Common Sense Media reports that kids spend approximately 45 hours a week on their devices every single week, leaving some to wonder if we’re raising a generation of phone-addicted youth. All of that screen time can have a lasting detrimental impact on kids’ cognitive development, as well as increase their risk of anxiety and depression.

Parents aren’t immune, either, says Zakeri. Social media platforms have created more opportunities for people to compare themselves to others, both people we know directly and people we don’t. More than ever, we’re connected to celebrities and influencers — and, yes, even kidfluencers — who depict a seemingly idyllic lifestyle that we may crave. So much access to the periphery of other people’s lives — because that’s what it is; no matter how much over-sharing someone does, you’re never seeing the full picture — can sometimes open the door for mom-shaming, another downfall of modern-day tech.

And then there’s the targeted marketing. Parents today see a barrage of ads pushing “this coach, this test prep, this team, this dance company,” Zakeri says. With so much pressure, how can anyone feel good about themselves? Zakeri adds that to save your sanity and create a healthier home environment, parents should identify what’s “good enough for [your] family.”

Mental health: A focus on wellness

Image: ADELART/Shutterstock. Maryia Naidzionysheva/Shutterstock. Design: Ashley Britton/SheKnows.

We may be more connected to our devices than ever, but more parents are starting to realize the value of unplugging, says Dorfman. “With increasing awareness about the importance and benefits of mindfulness, many parents are making a more concerted effort to ‘be present’ with their children,” she says. “They are trying to put phones away, avoid multitasking, express gratitude, encourage family time and slow down.”

Unplugging is only one piece of the mindfulness puzzle. There’s been a push for people to focus more on their mental well-being and to seek out additional resources, such as talk therapy, support groups, or mental health apps, especially as people are becoming more stressed out over current events. Maternal mental health has also become a serious talking point for medical professionals. Celebrities like Chrissy Teigen are also using their platforms to remind followers that, above all else, their mental health should come first.

Conversations around mental health are becoming more common amongst kids too. Gen Z, in particular, is more willing to ask for help. Unfortunately, they’re also at a higher risk for anxiety and depression, largely due to increased pressure in academics and on social media.

The world isn’t getting any less stressful, so let’s hope we continue to emphasize mental health and wellness in 2020 and over the next decade.

Gun safety & violence: The new American way

The gun violence epidemic plagues modern-day society. In 2019, there were more mass shootings than there were days of the year, according to the Gun Violence Archive. These shootings took place in shopping centers, places of worship, restaurants, bars, and schools. But gun violence isn’t a new phenomenon; 1.2 million Americans were shot over the past decade in thousands of gun-related incidents, reports the Giffords Law Center.

These acts of violence, both intentional and accidental, aren’t limited to public spaces, though. Dr. Nancy Sherman says she started worrying about whether her son’s friends had guns in their houses. “I trusted my son; however, I made sure that, especially for sleepovers, the other family did not have guns in the home,” Sherman, who is a professor at Bradley University’s Online Masters of Counseling Program, tells SheKnows. “My house was always available for the boys to stay over where I knew they would be safe and carefully but unobtrusively monitored.”

Kids and parents are taking action against gun violence in other ways too. Groups like Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America, Everytown for Gun Safety, and the Gen Z-created March for Our Lives are mobilizing people to lobby their representatives, their school boards, and their community businesses to implement stricter gun policies and change the culture of violence.

We’ve accomplished a lot in 10 years. So, here’s to a brighter 2020 filled with mindfulness and kindness — and sensible gun legislation.

There are a lot of things from my past, from my own childhood, that I wish someone had protected me from. A lot of deeply traumatic, scarring events that I still carry with me today, at 36 years old. These events have had an impact on how I engage with other people, how I behave in relationships, and my own confidence in myself.

I go to therapy, I do the work, I even take the meds — but there are some scars that don’t ever fully heal.

And I won’t apologize for doing what I can to protect my daughter from having the same stories to tell.

Because of my own past, I’m completely against slumber parties (and confident my mind will never change). I don’t do drop-off play dates with families I don’t know extremely well (I don’t even like my daughter being in the neighbor’s house without me, and I’ve known them for six years). I send my daughter to a private school, specifically because it’s a smaller environment. And if she’s outside playing, I’m right there with her.

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There are definitely those in my life who would call me a helicopter parent. And you know what? I don’t care. Because these parenting choices I make? They come from a place of knowledge — a place of experience.

I know too well the things that go bump in the night. I’ve lived it.

I know that even the kindest, coolest-seeming parent at school drop-off and pickup can have a ridiculous amount of skeletons creeping around behind closed doors. I know that they can have drinking problems, a drug dependency, an abusive spouse, or just a willingness to turn a blind eye when kids are getting into things (alcohol, porn, exploration of each other’s bodies) that I would personally intervene on.

I know that not all parents have the same views on guns as I do — and that far too many leave theirs out in the open, where any child could access them at any time. (In fact, on the very first play date I brought my daughter to, a loaded gun was right on the dresser of a room she and her friend were running in and out of.)

And I know that kids, little girls especially, can sometimes be awful to each other — and without appropriate adult supervision, the things they say and do late into the night can sometimes leave lasting scars. Both mental and physical.

I’m not here for any of it.

I have friends who grew up protected and safe. And today, I’m in awe of the way they deal with the world, every day. They have a confidence and ease I have just never had. That’s what I want for my daughter.

So yes, I protect her — because no one ever really protected me.

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On top of all this, my daughter has an autoimmune condition that requires her to be on immunosuppressant drugs, leading to an extra level of need when it comes to protecting her; my child could literally die from things most other kids might easily recover from. Her private school helps a lot with that, since she has less exposure there than she would in a bigger school.

Plus, we live in Alaska, where run-ins with bears and moose are fairly common. There are frequently moose right outside our front door; I’m not letting my 6-year-old run free into that and have to face it alone. One day, we’ll get there. But we’re certainly not there yet.

Make no mistake: I may be a helicopter, but I’m also a fiercely independent individual. I adopted my daughter on my own at age 29. I run my own business, I own my own home, and I’ve been physically and financially on my own since I was 18 years old. I value my independence deeply, and I want my daughter to have the same. So I do work to find ways to instill that in her — albeit in a safe and protected environment where she can make mistakes without being at the mercy of the worst humanity and nature have to offer. She dresses and bathes herself, can cook meals on her own, and even went to sleep-away camp by herself for the first time this summer.

Yeah, I know — that last one might seem shocking, given everything I’ve said about playdates and sleepovers. But this particular sleep-away camp is one specifically for her chronic condition. I attended myself for two years by her side. I know the camp layout, I know and trust the counselors, and I recognize that this controlled environment with trained individuals all around is much different from a private home with only the adults living there to supervise.

We make the choices we’re comfortable with, and for me — this is one I can live with.

That’s the thing, though; it’s all about balance. I can instill independence in my daughter while still working to protect her from environments that have the potential to be unsafe. I can rely on my own gut and recognize when I need to let go a little, as well as when I still need to maintain my grip. And I can build her confidence without pushing her out into the world and expecting her to face it all on her own.

There’s balance. And while I hate these labels (helicopter parent, lawnmower parent, free-range parent, attachment parent…yuck), I’ll own whichever one you want to attach to me, as long as my daughter is safe. And I dare anyone to question the lengths I go to in order to ensure that remains the case. This child has already faced plenty of adversity in her life (being adopted, having a single mom, dealing with a chronic health condition.) At this point, what my daughter needs is stability and love and protection — not more difficulties to overcome.

And I am not in any way ashamed of being the mom who provides that protection for her.

One commenter wrote on the Huffington Post, “Parents are much more casual these days about their children wandering away from the table in restaurants.” (Really? They are?) Several readers asked accusatory questions: Were the parents staring at their phones? Drinking wine? How long was the boy away? Why was he not sitting down?

They all insisted: Parents should not let their kids out of their sight for a fraction of a second.

More: Anti-Helicopter Parent Playground Comes With a Large Dose of Slur & Sexism

A couple of months later, I read an essay entitled, “No, your kid can’t have my subway seat.” The piece received hundreds of comments from readers who eagerly dove into a new chance to scold all modern parents for what the author termed their “coddling impulse.” The piece specifically argued that tired commuters should not have to forfeit their seat to a child of 6 or so who could instead stand up and grasp the germy pole herself. One commenter argued that today’s parents need to “learn to let go” — and another said they should stop “put[ting] their child on a pedestal.” 

It’s baffling how widely the internet hive mind swings back and forth in its conflicting opinions about what, exactly, is wrong with modern parents. Are they far too coddling and “helicoptering,” as the subway article commenters suggested? Or exactly the opposite: Is their self-involvement and neglect putting their kids in danger? The parent-shamers just can’t decide.

Another example from a year ago: Internet commenters similarly rushed to judgment when a 2-year-old boy on vacation at a Disney resort was tragically dragged into a lagoon by an alligator. Commenters demanded to know: How far were the parents from the child? Why was the family outdoors at 9 p.m.? (Jet lag? Who cares?) Did the father try to fight the alligator? (He did.) 

Let’s get this straight: Even a “helicopter” parent can’t prevent tragic accidents — and playing the blame game only does further damage to families who have experienced an awful loss.

More: How to Talk to Your Kids About Scary Things

Why do people judge the victims of tragedy? A 2016 Atlantic article called “The Psychology of Victim Blaming” offers some insight, suggesting that folks who search for scapegoats in this way do so because they want to believe a similar accident could never happen to them. They would never be so distant/selfish/hands-off as to allow something terrible to occur. (On the flip side, they would never be so smothering/overprotective as to allow something so supremely inconvenient as asking for a subway seat for their child. It’s illogical, but it does work both ways.)

So commenters blame other parents in an attempt to differentiate themselves from them. But why the two extreme and diverging views? Well, even the parent-critics with opposing viewpoints tend to agree on one thing: Things were much different — and better — when they were kids.

Some fans of Stranger Things have waxed nostalgic about its setting: a simpler time when kids roamed unsupervised — before media coverage of the 1980s Adam Walsh abduction supposedly scared parents into becoming overprotective. But weren’t parents also scared after Etan Patz’s 1979 disappearance in New York? And what about the 1932 Lindbergh baby kidnapping about which we still hear references in pop culture? It’s true that we hear more about tragedies today due to expanded technology and media, but other things have changed since generations ago: We’ve become a more diverse, varied and variable human society.

Yes, it’s possible that some of our miscellaneous numbers are “too” overprotective or “too” hands-off, but most of us are probably doing our best just to figure it all out.

More: To My Friends Who Don’t Like Babies: I Was Once You

An individual tragedy in the news isn’t a sign that “all modern parents” are doing something wrong. It’s an example of a story parents can take in, mourn and learn from — without judging. Although we can certainly try to teach our children every safety precaution — and even every subway etiquette lesson — individual circumstances and situations differ widely, and chances are we don’t know the full details of someone else’s experience.

Perhaps, then, instead of fueling an endless stream of negative comments on the internet, we can channel our energy toward teaching our children to have sympathy — and to think critically before judging others. In fact, this might be one of the best lessons they carry with them into adulthood.

More: Teens in danger of self-harm find help in a surprising place: Instagram

It’s enough to make helicopter parents around the world pile pillows at the bottom of their kids’ 4-foot-long slide. And Lanza’s “Playborhood” (which is also the name of the book he self-published about his belief that kids should have the freedom to take physical risks without supervision and to play without having to worry about being safe or nice to other kids) is the real-life manifestation of his anti-helicopter parenting stance.

I agree with Lanza that when I think back to my own childhood, some of my happiest memories were playing outdoors, generally without restraints, such as balancing on the front handlebars of my dad’s bike as he circled the parking lot behind our house and climbing trees behind my friend’s house while our parents sat indoors drinking wine, oblivious to our antics or roller-blading up and down our street without a helmet or protective pads. Those were carefree days, for sure.

I can get on board with Lanza’s Playborhood, until he starts blaming moms for everything that is wrong — or at least, what he perceives as being wrong — with modern families. “Moms nowadays never go away,” he complains. He waxes lyrical about “mom philosophy,” which he blames for depriving boys of masculine experiences and overpowering passive dads. Lanza is a dad of three boys, which may explain something else I take issue with. He’s really not upset about girls being subjected to helicopter parenting. So not only is his opinion of mothers today — that they are overprotective and out to spoil their children’s fun — based on a massive generalization, it’s completely sexist too.

More: Why parents ‘mommyjack’ current events on social media

I know some helicopter parents (moms and dads, incidentally). I also know some “no rescue” parents (again, both moms and dads). Me, I’m somewhere in the middle — and I think most parents are.

I don’t think a bit of rough and tumble does kids any harm. A few bumps and scratches won’t leave permanent scars or cause nightmares. I’d much rather my kids run around outdoors instead of sit inside glued to their screens. I also believe that encouraging my kids to take some responsibility for themselves is good for them. I can’t always be there to take care of them — as much as I might want to be.

But I can’t be fully on board with Lanza’s concept because I disagree with so much of what he says. You can have fun and freedom without hurting other kids. You can be a healthy, “normal” boy without being aggressive. Adults can have control of their kids without being too controlling.

Would I let my kids play in Lanza’s backyard? Yeah, probably. But I sure as hell wouldn’t be leaving them there unattended. And this is from a mom who has a trampoline without netting in her own yard.

More: There’s light at the end of the tunnel for moms of picky eaters

Before you go, check out our slideshow below.

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I have figured out how to perch myself at our kitchen table so that I can see them but they cannot see me. It is the perfect arrangement: they play independently and I can get started on my to-do list while still being available to them at a moment’s notice — jumping in to mediate combat when my youngest turns to her teeth as her weapon of choice or simply responding to a “Mama! Look!”

This is how I spend much of my mornings at home. I am a good mom. My children are happy and thriving in our home.

I just don’t play with my kids.

The moment they are set up with toys or books, I am sneaking off to accomplish something or to read a few pages of a book. When we head outside to play, I bring my laptop along or busy myself pulling weeds or raking leaves.

More: Why helicopter parenting is hurting your kids

It isn’t that I don’t like to spend time with my children. Our quality time simply doesn’t include much play.

Several times a day, my younger daughter is at my feet with her blanket dragging behind her and a pacifier in her mouth. “Belly!” she demands, and I snatch her up into my arms, settle onto the couch, and she rests her sweet little head on my belly for a few minutes of quiet and cuddling. Within a few minutes, my older daughter finds us with a few books in her hands. Climbing onto the arm of the couch, she gives directions, “This book first, and then the sushi book, and then this one — two times!” Once they have had their fill of mommy time, they run off to build a LEGO tower or to dig out their tutus, and I turn my attention back to my to-do list.

Trust me, I am not immune to mommy guilt, but choosing not to play with my children is no longer a source of guilt for me. When I first became a mom, I complied with this unreasonable standard that every minute my daughter spent awake, I need to be focused on her. Each time I would slip away to the kitchen or glance at my phone to check an email, I would guiltily remember the familiar poem that had become the mantra of unkempt homes and frazzled mothers everywhere:

Cooking and cleaning can wait til tomorrow,

for children grow up, we’ve learned to our sorrow,

So wipe away cobwebs and dust go to sleep,

I’m cuddling my baby, and babies don’t keep.

Now, I realize that it is true that our children grow up quickly, and this is exactly why I feel strongly about allowing them the space they need to play independently.

More: Mom’s controversial Christmas card photo shows off little boy’s gun

It was a book called Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne that really began to challenge my early thoughts on being “present” and “engaged.” I began to understand that what I was doing was more like hyper-involvement and helicopter parenting. In this book, the author explains that our children need room for more imaginative play in their days, to experience the world for themselves. This can be accomplished by ditching overstimulating toys and cutting back on a demanding schedule. But it is also accomplished by letting children direct their own play, while the parent remains available nearby, doing their own thing, instead of being hyper-involved in playtime.

John Payne isn’t alone in his thinking about independent play. Research by Paddy O’Donnell, a University of Glasgow professor of sociology, suggests that children who have the freedom to make their own decisions in play and solve the “problem” of boredom perform better in the future. In comparison, children with parents who hover too closely struggle to feel confident in their decisionmaking when they reach college.

More: It’s hard being the young mom in a sea of older moms

And so, my passive presence has become the norm for a lot of our day. I have seen my children flourish with freedom to explore their environment, to learn how to use their toys on their own, and to create games for themselves from the toys and activities we keep within their reach in our home. Meanwhile, they know mama is near should they have a question or simply need a cuddle. Not only have my children bloomed with more space for independent play, but I have found the most balance and happiness in motherhood for myself. Ignoring the dishes and the dust has never worked for me; it makes for a stressed-out and crabby mama, especially when I add the burden of other household tasks and a full-time work-from-home job.

As it turns out, the saying when mama’s happy, everybody’s happy is actually mostly true. Overextended and frazzled mothers can have a negative effect on their children and their emotional well-being, academic achievement and behavior, according to a study published by the Journal of Marriage and Family. Instead, it is the quality of time that really matters. Children thrive with involved parents who are caring and sensitive to their child’s needs — and we all know just how hard it is to be a caring and sensitive mother when we are burnt out. Knowing this has encouraged me to prioritize my well-being and their independence — and even a few pages of a book each morning or taking 10 minutes to sift through work emails while they play brings a significant level of zen to my day.

I am far from mastering motherhood; spend a few minutes in my home and this becomes very clear. Still, choosing not to play with my children is one choice in which I feel completely confident, and I am comfortable knowing I have found an approach that allows both my children and me to thrive.